Test #1
Like most rational-minded human beings, you probably shower twice/day.
If so, congratulations. You’ve just passed Test #1. ✅
(If not, another round of congratulations goes out to those of you who have discovered that you’re officially dirtballs.)
Test #2
This one’s completely subjective, but it’s also not subjective. If you’re not cleaning yourself from head-to-toe in the shower, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Only psychopaths clean themselves toe-to-head.
Also, gravity goes down, not up, morons.
If you’re not a crazy (and also stupid) person, congratulations. You’re two-for-two. ✅
Test #3
Feeling good right about now?
Well, pump those breaks because you’re almost guaranteed to fail the fuck out of the final test (or at least half of it).
Do you enjoy feeling uncomfortable? If the answer is no, you’ve failed. ❌
So, what’s the answer to Test #3?
Cold showers in the morning. Warm showers at night.
Yep, you read that correctly, Steve Austin. Tattoo that to your brain.
Let’s start off with the part that you’re probably doing correctly.
Warm showers at night.
Simple enough, right? Well, here’s why this is important: warm water relaxes your muscles and keeps you nice and toasty.
If you’re thinking to yourself right about now, “Yeah, no shit, dumbass,” I don’t blame you.
But wait a second, there’s actually more to it than that.
Here’s why taking a warm shower in the evening is important — if you aim to do this roughly one hour prior to bedtime, it will increase your odds of getting a good night’s sleep.
Now, there’s a shit ton of things that go into initiating (and sustaining) a good night’s sleep (not to mention the importance of it), but here’s the simple science behind it: whenever you take a warm shower, your core body temperature increases. Then, once you get out of the shower, you slowly adapt to the external environment (i.e. room temperature) as your core body temperature gradually lowers.
So why the hell is even important?
Well, one of the key components of initiating sleep entails your core body temperature dropping roughly 1–3° F. So, by simply scrubbing your nuts (or hoo-ha, if you have one of those) in warm water close to bedtime, you’re essentially hacking your biology.
None of us should be screwing that one up.
The morning routine’s a whole other ballgame.
Cold Showers in the morning.
Let’s go through a little sequence together.
It’s a pre-pandemic weekday. You wake up to your alarm clock blaring in your eardrums, and you promptly think to yourself, “Fuck it.” You hit the snooze for an extra nine minutes of glorious shuteye because Steve Jobs was a fucking weirdo. Those nine minutes go by in what feels like 30 seconds, and the alarm goes off once more. Ugh, you gotta be kidding me. You’re about ready to smash that snooze button once more, but you decide you’re going to be a little ambitious today. Time to make your way to the bathroom to get the day started. Perhaps you take a piss as you turn on the shower faucet (or maybe you decide to wait to do the deed inside stall there since they’re all pipes anyways). Anyways, you give it a minute to let the water heat up as you fire up the latest Post Malone album on your Spotify. “Circles?” No, not today, my friend. You’re feeling IT today. You know exactly which jam is going to hit the spot.
Before you can even catch Posty on the block like he’s Mutombo, you’re dozing off in the shower again. Fuck, that water feels incredible. You’re not even five minutes into your day, and you’re already contemplating ways to shitcan work and slip back in between those sheets. Not great!
Instead, here’s what you should’ve done just 60 seconds prior:
“The fuck is wrong with you, Peep?”
A lot, my friends, but stay with me here.
Don’t get me wrong — that initial moment cold water touches your skin is absolute hell (not to mention what happens to your dick and nut sack, gentlemen).
And to make matters worse, you should be doing this heinous activity at the ass crack of dawn whenever you’re still half asleep.
Anyways, there are five proven benefits of taking cold showers:
- You freak the fuck out, which increases your alertness.
Literally, cold showers are a shock to your system. However, as we all know, the human body is more resilient than your local watering hole during a global pandemic. You see, whenever cold water initially hits your body, you basically hyperventilate. In return, your body vastly increases the amount of oxygen in its system, while simultaneously decreasing the amount of carbon dioxide, in order to ensure adequate blood flow to maintain function of your internal organs. As a result, your level of alertness increases.
2. Your stress levels decrease.
Just like whenever you beat the shit out of yourself doing a workout, the same goes for whenever you take a cold shower — your stress levels decrease afterwards. Essentially, what happens is your nervous system shifts from a sympathetic state (i.e. flight-or-flight) to a parasympathetic state (i.e. rest and digest) as your body gets accustomed to the punishment its putting it through. Also, there’s some nerdy ass stuff about how cold thermogenesis stimulates your vagus nerve, but we don’t need to go there.
3. Your immune system ramps up.
Pandemic anyone? Now, I’m not saying that taking a cold shower is going to prevent you from getting coronavirus. Only a true fucking moron would make a claim of that nature. However, researchers believe that this phenomenon is largely a result of an increased metabolic rate due to cold temperatures. Therefore, increased metabolism = higher production of white blood cells (i.e. the cells that help our bodies fight off infections and other nasty diseases). If anything, maybe not a bad time to gear up for a potential duel with The Rona, am I right?
4. You burn body fat.
Going back to our last point about an increased metabolic rate, another cool thing that happens here in cold temperatures — you burn body fat. Essentially, what happens is your body taps into its energy reserves under cold conditions to help keep your internal organs warm. And those energy reserves happen to come from burning that extra flab you’re carrying around in places like your waist and thighs (aka “brown fat”).
5. Your willpower increases.
This final point is largely mental, but don’t discount it. Think of it this way — the more terrible shit you’re able to endure, the easier it is to do more terrible shit in the future. By enduring an uncomfortable situation like exposing your nips and undercarriage to cold water, you’re essentially conditioning your willpower muscle. You don’t need me to tell you this, but life isn’t easy. So you might as well buckle up for the day by getting some mental reps in first thing in the morning to prepare for whenever shit inevitably hits the fan.
Alright, so if you’ve read this far, you’re probably wondering the same thing every stupid person before you has wondered (myself included):
“How do go I about taking a cold shower?”
Well, there’s two ways to do this:
- Cold Showers for Pussies: Start off by taking a warm shower. Then, for the final 30 seconds, gradually shift the temperature from hot-to-cold. Trust me, it’s going to suck, but not as much as method #2.
- Cold Showers for Hard Asses: This one’s for the real tough guys with big old balls (or, at least wannabe tough guys with average-sized balls like me) — start with the shower cold and fucking jump right into it. You don’t need to be in there any longer than a few minutes to get the effect you’re looking for.
And there you have it — you’ll be ready to attack the day with a little temporary self-inflicted shrinkage, then unwind before you hit the sack.
Talk soon.
-Peep
